According to multiple reports across the web including CNN, Luxist and the island’s own Bermuda Sun, comedian and talk show host Stephen Colbert will be sailing to Bermuda during the 777-mile Charleston Bermuda Race at the end of May. "The ocean has had a free ride for too long,” said Colbert who is a native of Charleston, S.C. and Honorary Captain of the Fleet. “Well, it has to deal with me now. Brace yourself, Atlantic!" Held every two years, the first-to-finish in Bermuda regatta is open to sailors with boats at least 30-feet long, so Colbert will compete on one of the race sponsor’s 65-foot ocean racing yachts. Clearly the funnyman will be well taken care of at sea, but I’m more concerned with his schedule once he reaches land. So without further adieu here’s my proposed itinerary for you, Stephen Colbert, once you arrive Bermuda’s pink sand shores. (And yes, given my extensive television background I’d be happy to show you around while you’re here. I think we’d get along swimmingly, if I do say so myself.)
Have a drink. Or maybe two. You’ll definitely be hankering for some rum after your time at sea and fortunately Bermuda has two national cocktails: the Dark n Stormy made with Gosling’s Black Seal rum and spicy ginger beer and the Rum Swizzle, invented at the east end pub with a similar name, its got dark rum, amber rum, orange juice, pineapple juice, lemon juice, bitters and a sweet syrup called falernum. Mix ‘em all together and you’ll be sure to have a memorable time in Bermuda. Or have a few and you won’t be able to remember anything at all. Either way, I say we pay the Swizzle Inn a visit, throw back a few cocktails and swagger out to explore the island.
Hit the links. A man of your stature must play golf, right? Fortunately Bermuda is chock full of world-class courses including my personal favorite, Port Royal, which hosts the PGA Grand Slam of Golf, a season-ending tournament won in 2009 by fellow South Carolinian Lucas Glover. Not only does the course boast unending ocean views, but it features what’s widely regarded as the greatest hole in golf—the cliff-hugging 16th with nothing but the Atlantic between the tee and the pin. Don’t believe me? Then check out this video I shot at Port Royal from last year’s Grand Slam. And when you’re ready to tee it up I’ll happily donate my green fees to DonarsChoose.
Shop for shorts. I know how you love your suits and ties, but I think you’d look fantastic in a pair of authentic Bermuda shorts with knee-high socks. How about you and I visit the English Sports Shop, buy some new duds and hit the town, shall we? I’ll even give you a ride on the back of my fancy 125cc scooter Dumb and Dumber style.
Meet the locals. Once we get our spiffy new outfits they’ll be some folks just dying to meet you. People like Johnny Barnes, a bearded 84-year-old Bermudian who greets the morning traffic each day with shouts of “I love you” at the corner of Crow Lane in Hamilton. What? You’ve never heard of Johnny Barnes? The guy is a living legend: Not only has Bermuda erected a bronze statue of Johnny down the road from where he blows kisses to cars, but a local filmmaker is currently shooting a documentary about him called Mr. Happy (watch the trailer here). Trust me Stephen, you two would be a match made in heaven.
Take a swim. Of course you can’t come to Bermuda without visiting its famed pink sand beaches so whaddaya say we go to Horseshoe Bay and test the waters? If that sounds a little mundane then we could always follow Bermuda’s high-flying adventurers and do a little cliff jumping. Seriously, if this video is any indication, you and I could have one heckuva time hurtling off the island’s lush cliffs and plentiful bridges. Or not.
Recreate history. Alright Stephen, get ready to have your mind blown. In 1609 the English colonists who settled Jamestown, Virginia, were dying of famine, so the King of England ordered a ship called the Sea Venture to sail to the New World with food and supplies to save the colony. In July, that ship crashed in Bermuda—an uninhabited archipelago previously discovered by Juan de Bermudez in the 1500’s. After ten months, the shipwrecked crew built a new ship called the Deliverance, filled it with food procured from the island and sailed on to Jamestown saving the colony, thus saving America. You heard right Stephen. If there was no Bermuda, there would be no America, and I know how you love America. I say we go to historic St. George’s, don our period garb and recreate the fateful arrival of Sir George Somers (kind of like Bob Hope did when he came here for his Christmas special in 1990).
Let’s do it for Bermuda. And most of all let’s do it for America. Stephen, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.