The Colbert Watch

Just when you thought the Colbert rhetoric was over—you know, the endless updates about how the flag-waving comedian plans to sail to Bermuda this month—in comes yet another piece of news to help advance the story. If you’ve been reading all of this time you probably already know about Colbert’s sponsorship with Audi, heard his public challenge to race Sir Richard Branson and even perused my Open Letter to Stephen Colbert, suggestions for how he should tackle Bermuda once he arrives. So what could possibly be next for the Bermuda-bound funnyman? How about an all-expenses paid beach party? Yes indeed, this just in from The Reefs Hotel & Club: If Colbert and his team finishes first during the Charleston to Bermuda race, the Southampton resort will throw the crew a beach party at Coconuts, its open-air restaurant, which ironically I raved about just a few days ago. According to the resort’s blog, a first-place finish will be rewarded with plenty of ice-cold Dark 'n Stormy's and the freshest seafood in town (and perhaps, a fancy Colbert-inspired sand sculpture like the one above). But should Colbert lag behind he’ll still be rewarded—as long as he doesn’t come in last, that is. If he and his crew finish anywhere behind first place Colbert will be awarded a five-night stay at The Reefs brand new two-bedroom Club Suites that he can use for himself or give to a deserving member of Colbert Nation. Considering the über-luxurious rooms have private verandas, huge soaking tubs and unending ocean views, I'd say Colbert has all the motivation he needs for a strong finish. Happy sailing!

The Colbert Watch

In case you can't get enough of the Stephen Colbert Plans to Sail to Bermuda story—one that I keep bringing up to bolster hope that I'll somehow be included in his island broadcast (have you read my Open Letter to Stephen Colbert lately?)—here's an update for any and all interested parties. Looks like the Comedy Central funnyman officially has a sponsor: According to sources across the web, Colbert will be teaming up with Audi in the 777-mile open ocean race from Charleston to Bermuda this May. "If you're going to win a race, you want to be in an Audi," said Colbert at the 2011 New York Auto Show. "I tried bolting a mast and sail to an S5 Cabriolet and took her for spin on the harbor, and the results were, well...moist! So I decided if I couldn't sail an Audi, I would ask them to sponsor my boat." Taking lead as "Morale Officer," Colbert and crew will set sail this May 21st on a 65-foot ocean-racing yacht dubbed, 'The Audi," with a spinnaker sail featuring the recognizable Audi rings. As for his chances in the race, leave it to the self-proclaimed "greatest sailor in the world" to predict the winner. Said Colbert on the Auto Show stage: "Here's a scoop for all you news types. I am going to win it. Write that down." Done. Now, how about First Mate Steve-O?

The Colbert Watch

Back in February I told you how funnyman Stephen Colbert plans to sail to Bermuda aboard a 65-foot sailing yacht in this year’s Charleston to Bermuda race. It was an exciting announcement, especially since it led to the idea of having yours truly be his guide once he arrives (in case you missed it check out my Open Letter to Stephen Colbert, which outlines a proposed island itinerary). Well, after nearly two months I’ve officially received no word from Colbert's “people” as to whether he’d like to join me for a Dark ‘n Stormy or go shopping for Bermuda shorts at the English Sports Shop, but according to a recent report in USA Today, the stars just aligned a little bit more. Turns out Colbert’s on the cover of this month’s Outside magazine, talking about his past experience participating in the 777-mile race to Bermuda. “There comes a time in every man's life when he must ask himself, ‘What can I endure? Of what mettle am I made?’” Colbert told Outside. “This was not one of those times. I thought this would be a booze cruise to Bermuda.” Reports USA Today, the comedian learned quickly this was no luxury liner. “Boat toilets...are floating Porta-Potties. Ours through an understandable oversight had not been emptied since the Carter administration. We tried opening a relief valve (provocatively called an “ocean cock”) - no go. It had to be pumped by hand. As a father of three, I was used to dealing with other people's waste, so I volunteered, as did two other crew-members...I now knew that I would not drown. I would die from amoebic dysentery.” So why do the Charleston/Bermuda race again? He tells Outside: “What endures is what I can't rightly describe: Looking up at night to see the masts unmoving in your eyes but the stars dancing in synchronized figure eights...Flying fish slapping against the sail...Two ounces of gritty cowboy coffee. Eight friends together in a 45-foot world and alone at the center of a referenceless horizon. I can't explain what that all feels like. I just know I want to feel it again.” So glad to hear you’re on your way, Stephen! But in case you didn’t know, in addition to living here in Bermuda, I’m also a correspondent for Outside Television. Ya know, part of the same company that you just gave that fabulous interview to? Whaddaya say we pair up for a tour of Bermuda, shoot it for Outside TV and everyone goes home happy. Deal? Stephen, I await your reply.

The Saga Continues

The Colbert Report
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In case you haven't already heard, comedian and talk show host Stephen Colbert will be sailing to Bermuda at the end of May from his hometown in Charleston, S.C. It's exciting news indeed, especially if the funnyman takes my advice and allows yours truly to give him an island tour (an itinerary clearly laid out in my Open Letter to Stephen Colbert). But as of yesterday the stakes just got a little higher. You see, Colbert openly challenged media mogul, serial entrepreneur and global badass Sir Richard Branson to compete against him in the upcoming Charleston Bermuda Race to decide who is "the greatest sailor in the world." The gauntlet throwing starts at about 2:20 in the video above, but the entire segment is worth a watch since Colbert mentions how he originally posed the challenge to Branson during an interview in the Virgin exec's new iPad-only magazine, Project. And like most of Colbert's public stunts, he means business. This from last night: "Nation I need your help. I'm turning you loose on Richard Branson. Email him, Facebook at him, bury him in an avalanche of Twitter taunts. I want you to pop a hashtag in his ass! So put your rudder where you mouth is Branson." How about this? I'll organize the troops to get Branson signed up for the race, then, when he agrees, the three of us can all go shopping for shorts and socks at the English Sports Shop. Sound good? Stephen, I await your reply.

An Open Letter to Stephen Colbert

According to multiple reports across the web including CNN, Luxist and the island’s own Bermuda Sun, comedian and talk show host Stephen Colbert will be sailing to Bermuda during the 777-mile Charleston Bermuda Race at the end of May. "The ocean has had a free ride for too long,” said Colbert who is a native of Charleston, S.C. and Honorary Captain of the Fleet. “Well, it has to deal with me now. Brace yourself, Atlantic!" Held every two years, the first-to-finish in Bermuda regatta is open to sailors with boats at least 30-feet long, so Colbert will compete on one of the race sponsor’s 65-foot ocean racing yachts. Clearly the funnyman will be well taken care of at sea, but I’m more concerned with his schedule once he reaches land. So without further adieu here’s my proposed itinerary for you, Stephen Colbert, once you arrive Bermuda’s pink sand shores. (And yes, given my extensive television background I’d be happy to show you around while you’re here. I think we’d get along swimmingly, if I do say so myself.)

Have a drink. Or maybe two. You’ll definitely be hankering for some rum after your time at sea and fortunately Bermuda has two national cocktails: the Dark n Stormy made with Gosling’s Black Seal rum and spicy ginger beer and the Rum Swizzle, invented at the east end pub with a similar name, its got dark rum, amber rum, orange juice, pineapple juice, lemon juice, bitters and a sweet syrup called falernum. Mix ‘em all together and you’ll be sure to have a memorable time in Bermuda. Or have a few and you won’t be able to remember anything at all. Either way, I say we pay the Swizzle Inn a visit, throw back a few cocktails and swagger out to explore the island.

Hit the links. A man of your stature must play golf, right? Fortunately Bermuda is chock full of world-class courses including my personal favorite, Port Royal, which hosts the PGA Grand Slam of Golf, a season-ending tournament won in 2009 by fellow South Carolinian Lucas Glover. Not only does the course boast unending ocean views, but it features what’s widely regarded as the greatest hole in golf—the cliff-hugging 16th with nothing but the Atlantic between the tee and the pin. Don’t believe me? Then check out this video I shot at Port Royal from last year’s Grand Slam. And when you’re ready to tee it up I’ll happily donate my green fees to DonarsChoose.

Shop for shorts. I know how you love your suits and ties, but I think you’d look fantastic in a pair of authentic Bermuda shorts with knee-high socks. How about you and I visit the English Sports Shop, buy some new duds and hit the town, shall we? I’ll even give you a ride on the back of my fancy 125cc scooter Dumb and Dumber style.

Meet the locals. Once we get our spiffy new outfits they’ll be some folks just dying to meet you. People like Johnny Barnes, a bearded 84-year-old Bermudian who greets the morning traffic each day with shouts of “I love you” at the corner of Crow Lane in Hamilton. What? You’ve never heard of Johnny Barnes? The guy is a living legend: Not only has Bermuda erected a bronze statue of Johnny down the road from where he blows kisses to cars, but a local filmmaker is currently shooting a documentary about him called Mr. Happy (watch the trailer here). Trust me Stephen, you two would be a match made in heaven.

Take a swim. Of course you can’t come to Bermuda without visiting its famed pink sand beaches so whaddaya say we go to Horseshoe Bay and test the waters? If that sounds a little mundane then we could always follow Bermuda’s high-flying adventurers and do a little cliff jumping. Seriously, if this video is any indication, you and I could have one heckuva time hurtling off the island’s lush cliffs and plentiful bridges. Or not.

Recreate history. Alright Stephen, get ready to have your mind blown. In 1609 the English colonists who settled Jamestown, Virginia, were dying of famine, so the King of England ordered a ship called the Sea Venture to sail to the New World with food and supplies to save the colony. In July, that ship crashed in Bermuda—an uninhabited archipelago previously discovered by Juan de Bermudez in the 1500’s. After ten months, the shipwrecked crew built a new ship called the Deliverance, filled it with food procured from the island and sailed on to Jamestown saving the colony, thus saving America. You heard right Stephen. If there was no Bermuda, there would be no America, and I know how you love America. I say we go to historic St. George’s, don our period garb and recreate the fateful arrival of Sir George Somers (kind of like Bob Hope did when he came here for his Christmas special in 1990).

Let’s do it for Bermuda. And most of all let’s do it for America. Stephen, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Sincerely,

David LaHuta